Archive for January 2013

A Bad Chair

January 31, 2013

What is your favorite chair?

This is a good chair.

“You can put your bee..soda in there.”
Name that movie!!

I wouldn’t mind one of those in my house.

I like these chairs.

These chairs mean no cooking or cleaning!

And these chairs as well.

My friend is in Florida right now and she keeps sending me picture like this.
RUDE!

My favorite chairs of all are these ones.

Not the most comfortable but I’ll take this chair any day!

My least favorite chair? This one.

Satan’s favorite chair.

That is exactly where I found myself yesterday.

I have written about my dentist experiences before. You can read about it by clinking here. It’s titled Creeeeepy for a reason.

This time around I did feel pain, a lot of pain, coming from my lower left teeth. No chewing, and definitely nothing above room temperature, as both would set my tooth off.

I set up my emergency dentist appointment. Now the problem I am facing, other than pain, is that I have to lay flat on my back in the torture chair. Why is this a problem? This is why.

What is up with Elizabeth’s bangs?

See those cute sweeping bangs? That was over 4 months ago. Now the bangs are longer but not long enough to pull back into a low pony tail.

When going to the dentist, you can not have a high pony tail. Your head has to lay flat. I know, I have tried it and ended up pulling my hair out so the dentist could work safely without my head randomly losing it’s balance on the pony tail and flop to one side or the other.

I don’t like laying in the torture chair with my hair down as it is super fine and likes to pick up a lot of static. That can be a pain for the dentist as well.

Not me.

So the solution is to pull my hair into a low ponytail. To keep the hairs flat that don’t reach, typically I would spray them down with hairspray. However in a moment of weakness, and to be funny, I bought Aquanet hair spray. Leia says it smells like garbage. I don’t want to make the dentist smell garbage, his face is too close to my hair. I want the guy with the drill to be as comfortable as possible. Sigh.

So I pulled my baby strains back and went to the dentist.

ROOT CANAL.

The dentist started stage one of the dreaded procedure and I was in the chair for over an hour. By the time I got up, my face was numb from a double shot of Novocaine and my unsprayed hair was all over the place. I looked like I had just woken up from the floor of a dirty, nasty bar, hungover, drooling  and having no clue were I was. I wish I would have had the foresight to take a picture.

Don’t worry, next week is stage two and I get to be in the chair for two hours! I will do my best to remember to take a picture in my drunken state.

Bad Twilight

January 30, 2013

Let’s get right to it, shall we?

10) I have to start right out of the gate with the wolf pack. Here is Jacob,

“Where is my darn shirt? Oh well…”

and here is the rest of the pack.

“Girl, don’t you know cut off jeans are IN.”
(Said with a little head shake)

Other than the guy on the right, Paul I think, we are a little short on muscles. I see some baby muscles but I also see a pudgy gut on Sam. Come on, hit the gym guys. Your in a movie about buff werewolves, sheesh.

9) In Eclipse Jessica is the valedictorian. Really? She plays an airhead through out the movies.  It’s pretty obvious that Jessica is in to looks and shopping. Plus for you book snobs who didn’t read the Twilight saaaaga, she is not the valedictorian. I would have had Angela give the speech at graduation in the movie. She is the girl with glasses and worked on the school paper, she looked smart. Oh and she is a better actor.

“When I was growing up I wanted to be a princess and a gold medalist. Now I’m the smartest kid in the school. What luck!”

8) Ohh, Jasper, you made both list. Why? Because in the first movie, you were suppose to look like you were in pain all the time. What you really looked like was that you had eaten a glorious Mexican meal and now the side effects of spicy, hot, burning gas is about to leap forth from thy bowels. Being raised as a gentleman, Jasper does not “dust crop”, meaning letting the gas fly in a crowd so he is always holding it in. Go ahead, pop Twilight into your DVD player and watch Jasper hold gas the whole movie. It’s quite a laugh.

Hey buddy, why does the Mexican weather report make you hungry? Because it’s chili today and hot tamale! Ba-dum-bum-tsch. 

“Oh, it burns, hold it in Jasper boy. You can do this. Whoa.”

7) Bad wigs. I’ll let them speak for themselves.

“Stand back Bella, my wig might fly off and hit you in the head!”

“Ugh, why does Alice have to have short hair?”

“Hey didn’t we met at the wig shop? I’m sure we did.”

“How dare you say we are not natural blondes! You shall DIE!”

“I’m not crying. No, I’m fine. This wig looks great. It’s fine.
Let’s just get this over with.”

“Maybe if I whiten my teeth some more, nobody will notice my hair.”

6) Edward’s eyebrows and his teeth. In the first movie the plucked the heck out of Edward’s eyebrows but the rest of the movies they let “them there bushes” grow. Sometimes it’s all I can see, until he smiles. Then I see that his 4 front teeth sink in a bit. I am obsessed with teeth because mine are so bad. What can I say? I like people on the big screen to have perfect teeth and groomed eyebrows.

“I’m English so it’s cool. Let my accent wash over you and blind you to my eyebrows and teeth. Oh wait, I have an American accent in these movies. Blimey!”

5) Jane played by adorable child actor Dakota Fanning. She was so cute in The Cat in the Hat. She’s a good actor right? Not this time! Dakota is stiff and doesn’t really read bad guy. Just spoiled brat. Here take a look.

4) The Volturi stink. As any real movie fan will tell you, the good guy is only as good as the bad guy is bad. These guys don’t really scare me, which is a bummer. Aro, the main bad guy was in Underworld and was really good as a werewolf. I had high hopes. Oh well. I still want a Team Volturi t-shirt.

3) Alice, oh Alice. You are like a high school kid in a play. You are really excited to be there and nobody else tried out for the part, so you got it. The first movie you weren’t horrible, but each movie gets worse and worse. Have you learned nothing? Perhaps you have been hanging out with Kristen  a little too much. You are grounded, go to your room!

(Go to 2:36 to see some bad Alice and bonus, Jasper holding in his bad gas. You’re welcome!)

2) Jacobs acting. “Nuff said.

1) Deborah Aquila and Tricia Wood. They are people who were in charge of casting for the first Twilight movie. For some crazy reason, that I will never understand, Kristen Stewart was picked to play Bella. I could show you a hundred different scenes from all 5 movies of Kristen’s bad acting. However I will show you an interview from 2008. This is Kristen being HERSELF and I can barely stand it. Why, WHY, did they pick her?

OK, I couldn’t help it. Check out this video of all the head shakes, eyes blinking and muttering.

Well there it is. As bad as the movies are, sometimes, well a lot, the weather up here in Alaska reminds me of Forks Washington, cloudy, dark and dreary. It makes me want to watch these horrible movies and let my mind go blank for a few hours. It’s like a car accident. I know I shouldn’t look, it could be dangerous to take my eyes off the road, but I just have to watch it.

Good Twilight

January 29, 2013

Yesterday I got up for my normal 5:30 am work-out. Actually, a 5:30 work-out is anything but normal, a bit crazy is what it is. Any who, I felt nauseous at the gym, came home and collapsed. After the kidoes got off to school, I snuggled myself up in a blanket (not a snuggie) and laid down on the couch. There is a sure way to make myself feel better, watch horrible movies. I picked Breaking Dawn Part 1. I had over the last week watched the first 3 Twilight movies. They are bad but I enjoy the badness up to a point. It makes me feel warm and good inside to know that my bad acting has never been permanently recorded and preserved for generations of people to make fun of me. So today and tomorrow I am going to make two Twilight lists, one good, one bad. Since I’m a glass-half-full type of girl, we will start with the good.

10) I enjoyed reading the books so I look upon the movies with a degree of allowance. The books were fun (except New Moon) and I gasped out loud at the plot twist in Breaking Dawn. Almost everybody I know has read them, Bridget is one of those who has not. She is a book snob. She says Twilight reads like it was written by a teenager. Who cares? Not this girl, I am not a book elitist. I can read Victor Hugo’s works or Stephanie Meyers, all have a place in my house. We turn away no one.

Yup, I have them all and I have even read the Twilight from Edwards point of view on line. It was the best of all the books.

Yup, I have them all and I have even read the Twilight from Edwards point of view on line. It was the best of all the books.

 

9) Jacob’s muscles. They had to make the list but they are close to the top as his acting is so bad, sometimes I can’t stand to have him on the screen. However I need to save that for tomorrow’s list, Bad Twilight.

Best line in the movies, “Does he even own a shirt?”

 

8) Jasper Hale. He gets little screen time and you will find him on tomorrow’s list but I like him in the last 3 movies. There is something about his quietness you want to get to know. He rarely smiles so when he does it’s like a little crooked treat from heaven. His acting isn’t the greatest, but it’s not the worse. I was sad when he died in Breaking Dawn Part 2 so he must have hit something there. (Like you didn’t see that movie, come on!)

Come on, smile! You can do it, just a little more!

 

7) Charles Porlier. Who dat? I’ll tell you, the lead make-up artist from Eclipse. As the movies go on, the make-up gets way better. The first picture below is Twilight and the 2nd is from Eclipse, see a difference? Way better. Not so powdery and the neck matches the rest of the face. Good job Chuck!

 

6) Emmett Cullen. He gets less screen time than Jasper, but when he does, it’s usually a sassy comment. He is pretty much a one dimensional character and that works. He is strong and sarcastic and that’s it. (I guess that would make him two dimensional.) Plus his muscles are just as great as Jacob’s so he is higher on the list. Just take a look at those guns. Wow-za!

 

5) Bella’s mom, Renee. She can act, surprise! She has hardly any screen time at all and she was a little too weepy in Breaking Dawn Part 1. However I have never had my only child get married, so maybe I would be a little weepy and crazy too. I never fast forward over any of her screens. Good job Sarah Clarke.

Ermergersh, how did I end up in these movies?

 

4) Bella punching Jacob in the face. It’s hysterical. Skip over all the bad Jacob acting and go to 1:43 on the video below. Enjoy! Bwhahaha.

 

3) Bella slamming into a rock while learning to ride a motorcycle. The whole midnight movie audience laughed out loud when it happened. When New Moon came out on DVD, my sister Quinette and I used to watch this over and over, and laugh and laugh. Go to 1:00 on this video and if you like, at 1:47, Jacob takes his shirt off. win, win.

 

2) Bella’s dad Charlie. If it wasn’t for Billy Burke, I wouldn’t even own these movies. (OK maybe that’s a lie but maybe it’s not…) This guy can act. He delivers his lines with easy, as though, shocking, a real person would. Most of the actors feel like they are reading lines but not with this guy. I can’t find a great video of Charlie, so this will have to do. (P.S. It’s from the first movie, which has the worst acting of all 5!)

 

1) Breaking Dawn Part 2. Yup. When reading the books, I had put hours, upon hours, into this story. I was invested. The whole 2nd half of the book Breaking Dawn is devoted to the vampires getting ready for the fight with the Volturi (How come there are no Team Volturi shirts out there? Just saying…) and then at the end of the book, nothing. Nada. Nix. They just walked away. It was so disappointing. Not so with the movie. It was a big old fight and people died, lots of them. And then, spoiler alert, it was just a vision by Alice and the whole movie theater erupted with surprise. One gal behind me said, “What the #&@* just happened?!” I love it when a movie fools us all.

Fight fight fight! As my friends will attest to, I love a good fight.

Well there is the list. It took me a while to make it. I think tomorrow it will go a lot faster, stay turned!

Girl’s Night Out = Trip To ER

January 28, 2013

Have you ever wanted to do something nice for someone?

Come on, I’m sure you have.

Well we did. Our friend Sara, you know Sara, sometimes called Bambi. The gal who went through the Army security gate with foils in her hair like some nerd afraid of alien probing, yeah her. Any who, Sara has two little boys who have been sick, and things haven’t been peachy keen for her lately. I do believe it was Bridget who said lets surprise Sara with a girl’s night out. Great idea.  It took us a few weeks to find the right day as people are just sick up here. We finally settled on last Friday. Megan called Sara and set up a fake photo shoot at Sara’s house. Heather and Megan have been doing a photo of a day thing so we thought this would be a good idea to get her all dressed up. (Actually, that was Bridget’s idea again.)

Last Friday Sara wasn’t happy. She had started a headache in the afternoon and all she wanted was to get in her jammies and go to bed. She complained about us coming over, a lot. Her husband tried to smooth things over (he was in on it) and make Sara feel better but she still wasn’t super excited when we showed up. We said surprise we are taking you away and threw her in my van.

Well a van filled with 6 chatty women is pretty loud and as a group, we are pretty goofy. Poor Sara never once said anything about her headache. We went to dinner at a fancy restaurant (I got the crab cakes, not my fav. The hot chocolate was divine though.) and had some great conversations. Here is a dark picture of Sara. (The dim lights is great for eating, not great for picture taking.)

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I would have never guessed she was not feeling great. After dinner we walked a FREEZING block over to a wine tasting restaurant. At this point Sara took some strong headache medicine, which I never saw her do. I guess I’m not a very good designated driver if I don’t catch one of the gals popping pills. We laughed, joked, and had deep serious conversations (about who our celebrated crushes are. We about died when Heather said one of her’s is Optimus Prime and were floored when Jamie said hers was Fred Astaire. She was the youngest girl there!)

Girl's Night Out

Bridget took this picture so she is missing and once again, bad lighting. Yes, those wine glasses are that huge. Don’t worry I did not partake. I did order a very yummy chocolate pudding. Just by looking at this picture would you have said Sara had a severe headache? I didn’t think so. Sara is a pretty good actress. If it had been me, I would have been whining (ba-dum-bum-TSHH) and complain up a storm. Sara had at this point had stopped drinking, but I hadn’t really noticed. I guess if I’m the designated driver I should keep track of who is drinking and how many drinks they have had. Next time I’ll being a notepad and keep a record.

Finally at 10:00 we were tired and ready to go home. The ride home, as you may have guessed was uber loud, and still Sara never let on that her medicine wasn’t working and the migraine was settling in. She thank us and even posted a nice comment on FaceBook about her night out.

The next morning I get this text.

479924_236258113177128_886379725_n

Sara’s migraine was that bad. I picked her up and on the way we had to pull over as poor Sara was nauseous but she didn’t throw up…yet. We made it to the ER, Sara checked in and they gave her this sweet throw up bag.

photo (48)

After a person throws up, you twist the bag close and on the rim is notices to secured the twist. I want some for my house. When we got in the holding chamber, exam room, their was 50 bags in there. However I tend to follow the 10 commandments, one of which is thou shalt not steal.

When the nurse brought us in the holding chamber, she very nicely turned off the light as Sara was in tears from the pain. She got Sara settled in and left. Now, in the ER, people knock on the door before entering just in case you are naked, doing something illegal, or you are super jumpy and don’t like  docs/PA/nurses sneaking up on you. However for someone with a migraine, a knock sounds like a jack hammer on their forehead. The nurse came back and was so loud. She knocked, barged in, shuffled papers, talked in a normal voice and moved stuff about like it she was in a race with the nurse next door to see who could get in and out the fastest. It was not cool. When the doctor finally came in I asked if we could put up a do not knock sign. That was a no go. I complained about how loud the nurse was to the doc. and she left. The next guy that came in was quiet and got Sara all hook to the drip. Later the nurse came back, did a police -I’m hear to bust your sorry butt- knock, rushed in and yelled, “It’s just me!” If she wasn’t bring Sara some morphine, I think I would have slapped her. She was so LOUD. I guess the doctor didn’t tell her that I had complained about her. Luckily the morphine worked and we got the heck out of there.

So long story short (too late), instead of giving Sara a rejuvenating night out, we sent her to the ER. Well we had good intentions.

P.S. I’m not editing this post right now, as I have headache from my bad contacts. Yeah, I know. Just deal with all the grammar and spelling mistakes ya big baby. I’m going back to bed.

The Muscles!

January 23, 2013

I can barely type this morning. We worked on our arms at the gym and I decided I need to bulk these babies up.

victorian arms

Who knew that Victorian ladies were so buff?

This decision came on Sunday. I was sitting in Relief Society (women’s ministry) instead of Primary (children’s ministry), bored. The lesson was good but I have spent the last decade in with the kids. We sing fun songs, we color, sometimes we have games, we show pictures, anything to keep youthful minds focused on the lesson. The teacher on Sunday was standing up in front of the class, reading a few sentences, talking about it with no visual aids/music involved, and didn’t keep this youthful mind’s attention at all.

So as I was wondering on hills far away, the teacher shared a personal story with us and talked about how she is in the Army. That caught my attention. I looked at her arms and I wouldn’t have guess that she is a soldier. She wasn’t fat but she wasn’t tone. I decided right then and there that I needed to shape my arms so that even when I am boring immature people with my none visual aids, my muscles would show. It must have been inspiration because I was sitting in church, right? Right.

Here is a picture of my arm, not flexing.

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And now flexing!

photo (47)

What? You didn’t catch that? Let’s try again. Non-flexing.

photo (46)

Flexing.

photo (47)

See? There is that baby muscles! I upped my weight today and soon you will all be so impressed. Until then I will be drinking our of a straw, as I can’t lift up a cup.

I Heart TV

January 22, 2013

I’m addicted to TV.

I blame my parents.

You might be thinking my folks didn’t let me watch a lot of TV and so I rebelled and viewed as much as I could.

You might be right.

However I feel it’s something else.

It because they had a butt load of kids. THAT”S RIGHT, a butt load.

I tried to find a picture of my 11 siblings to show you proof, but shocking enough I have none. You will just have to believe me.

Growing up in a house full of kids is noisy. Plus my mom taught forced us to play the piano and taught random strangers off the streets.

I am used to having a loud house. Now that my kids are in school, my house is creepy in it’s stillness. This is when the TV comes into play.

You might be thinking I could just turn on some music and be good to go.

Naw. I need people talking. Plus growing up in a house where people were learning to play classical music on the piano kind of turned me off to music as what I heard wasn’t that good.  Plus I’m a visual person so I would rather see a music video than just hear it.

Now to function in my own home, I have to turn the TV on for noise. Every since we moved to Alaska my house cleaning skills have gone way down. At first I blamed this on the fact that the house is so big. Well that is just not true. It’s because I need a TV in/near a room to clean it. Sad but true.

When we came up here, we made a toy room upstairs with our TV in it. That room stayed pretty clean. Yesterday we moved Chad’s giant deployment TV downstairs.

This morning I have scrubbed the living room, the kitchen, the hall, the bathroom, and the mud room. Not just clean, SCRUBBED. On my hands and knees kind of stuff all while listening to hours of The New Adventures of Old Christine. I’m not quite sure what happened on the show, but people were laughing in the back ground and that is good. I even filled in old nail holes on the wall with spackle. Unfortunately I couldn’t hear the TV while vacuuming the stairs, so they are still dirty.

I wonder if Chad will install a TV on the stairs, humm….

Healing From The Holidays: Home Edition

January 21, 2013

So….we are in this nice big house on the Fort Richardson Army post Alaska. I have never lived in a nicer house and doubt I will again unless we buy our own. We have a heated 2 car garage, a formal and non-formal living area, a dining room, a huge kitchen, 4 bedrooms/3 baths AND 6 different areas for storage. One  of the storage areas is a closet across from our downstairs bathroom. It is so large that you could put a desk in it and make it a computer room with no windows. One of Rachel’s friend’s parents turned it into a mini bedroom and she sleeps in there. Wow.

You would think with all this space to put stuff, the house would be so nice and clean and organized all the time.

Well it’s the opposite.

With room to put stuff, I have collected stuff, mostly sewing/art/crafty stuff. What’s happened to my large closet? It’s stuffed

Heather Fulk,  please breath and don't pass out!

Heather, please breath and don’t pass out!

With the holidays around I decided to take all the books off my book shelf and put Christmas decorations up. The books ended up in the closet, along with anything else I didn’t want to look at. I started on my journey to become a little mini-hoarder.

My friend Heather is crazy, literally. She about passed out when she saw just my tupperware shelf. My philosophy is to just chuck the plastic containers and lids in there as I don’t have a complete set of anything. It’s a mess. I let OCD Heather have a sneak peek into the closet and afterwards she was popping pills. Yeah…

About 2 weeks ago Sara decided to have a Thirty-One party. Thirty-One is a company much like Avon and Scentsy but they sell bags, ORGANIZATIONAL bags.

Alright, here is an opportunity to take care of that closet. We flipped through the magazine and I came across cute fabric boxes. I asked Heather (who had so graciously offered to help me clean out the closet) how many did she think I would need. She laughed and said, “All of them!” Hardy har har, Heather. I ordered 6 and one big tote. (Side note, I also got a purse with changeable covers, and a travel make-up kit, fun!)

Last Thursday Sara brought over my Thirty-One products. Well something just got into me and even though Heather hadn’t made it to our morning social hour, I got to work without her. I pulled all the stuff out of my closet (which covered the living room)  and started sorting through it. I spent the whole day working on that closet, only eating brownies for food as I was too busy working. (Side note: I lost 1 pound that day.) I wasn’t finished by school pick up time. I ran and grabbed the girls, threw snacks at them, kicked them out of the way and got back to work. By the time Chad got home the closet looked like this:

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Every bin, every drawer, everything had been cleaned out. If I hadn’t used something in the last 2.5 years, it was gone. Old projects that were never finished, gone. Scraps of fabric I thought I would use one day, gone. Scrapbook supplies that were out dated and didn’t work, gone. Bits and pieces of sewing notions and ribbons, gone. Random holiday items, thrown into the closet upstairs. (Don’t tell Heather!) I ended up with this much garbage:

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And one bin of good fabric to donate. Wow.

I sent Sara a picture and after she was over the shock of this situation, she sent me the title to this blog post.

I would say that I have healed from the Holidays. Christmas sure does turn our house upside down and I love it. The Christmas decorations used to go into this closet as well but Chad made room for all 9 totes in the garage. We still have to take down the lights and store them, they don’t come down until the snow is off the roof, May.

I don’t know where we are going next, I don’t know how big or how many closets we will have, but I might, just might, have to rent a storage unit if I’m not careful.